HIT FOR THE CYCLE

Sunday, February 8. 2009

Kell answered the door this week and was assaulted by a somewhat dim hit man after her Cousin Sheila. Despite the surprise attack, Kell quickly overpowered him and Dad tied him up. The authorities took him away, and he should begin talking soon. After all, he faces the most extreme punishment this society has to offer since there are brutally strict rules governing predation. It absolutely has to be anonymous, and if it involves targeting a specific individual there’s hell to pay.
Speaking of talking, Sheila came clean with Kell. She borrowed $50,000 from a mobster; never a good move considering their interest rates. After emptying her total assets of $175,000 he still demanded more, and Sheila panicked and ran. She thought the sleepy little suburb of Domain was the perfect place to hide, since she assumed nothing ever happened here. (Side note from personal experience: HA!)
All kidding aside, Kell is still in danger. The hit men employed by this crime syndicate are obviously not the sharpest fangs in the jaw, and Kell could still be the victim of mistaken identity. If I know Kell, though, her first thought would be for Sheila’s safety. I’m sure she’s got some plan for protecting her.
After that, she’s not the type to wait for the authorities. Kell has the confidence that comes with being at the top of the food chain, and she’s likely to go after the mobster herself. That confidence could be dangerous; I remember the time she blithely went down into the rabbit warren without a lapine escort, but found herself in real peril. I’m nervous about how this will play out.
It’s times like this I wish my whole family had quills.
This week's question: What should Kell do if she lived in the human world? (Assuming she'd be human, too, of course.)

Posted by Lindesfarne at 00:33 | Comments (27) | Trackbacks (0)

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In this world, Sheila would probably keep moving-something she's already used to-while Kell would go into hiding-possibly in the Rabbit Warren again. I remember a TV show from the 90's where a Pretender could become anyone. Maybe Sheila should take up that hobby. The feline look is working for her, maybe the bird look or the horse look would too.

#1 Selina Grace on 2009-02-08 00:55 (Reply)

Realistic ways: Contact the proper authorities, probably go into hiding until they are caught. Possibly end up in witness protection for the rest of your life.

or...

Buy a gun. In the animal world it's a taboo but over here they're the ultimate equilizer.

If that doesn't work here are some cooler fictional options...

1. When you're in trouble, when no one else can help and if you can find them...Hire THE A-TEAM!
The crack commando team almost sent to jail for a crime they didn't committ would have no trouble whatsoever with those hitman.

2. Get Richard Dean Anderson, MacGyver could stop those hitman using nothing more than a pipe cleaner, some gun powder from a firework, a coffee mug and a bubble gum wrapper.

#2 Elwood Blutarsky on 2009-02-08 01:16 (Reply)

Hey, don't forget The Equalizer.

#3 Mortar on 2009-02-08 03:18 (Reply)

Ah, yes; "The Equalizer"...

I always found it interesting (and rather cool) that the actor who played him was a fox/wolf hybrid like Rudy.

#3.1 Reynard on 2009-02-08 17:30 (Reply)

Taboo to own a gun? Say's who? It's not taboo. But, it's considered shamful to use one as a predator. As it represents a weakness in their hunting style. Kind of like when a predator gets so old that they can't move without every joint hurting. Try and tell them they can't hunt and four out of five will nearly kill themselves to prove you wrong.

It's not taboo; it's pride that keeps most from owning a gun in our country. Now, most other countries have downright limited all access to guns, just to keep the prey from becoming too strong. Here...they've done everything short of making you run on a target practice field to prove your worth for owning the weapon. (Though, I hear that predators can get away with filling out a form. Boo!!!)

Now, for the other part...you're recommending that Kell run away to Hollyweird and become an action actress for the fame and fortune...plus the protection? Why not just have her join SG1 and scoot off to another galaxy, since we're talking Mr. MacGyver Dean Anderson. Snickers...and Milky Ways

Oh...and we had The Pretender, as well. Really awesome show. Though, I signed up once on their web site and he pretended to be some alternate of ME for an episode. Home city with my name, species and all. Was my info really that impressive???

#4 jup-reindeer on 2009-02-08 04:36 (Reply)

If this crime group happens to be the Castrato Family, your father has dealt with them before... and quite successfully.

(I'll admit I'm nosey: when will Aunt Shiela come clean about what she wanted/needed the $50,000 for? 'Nosey,' in the human world, implies that you're being curious in a situation that's none of your business. It has nothing to do with resembling an elephant or aardvark.)

Your mom's plan for hiding Sheila in plain sight involves remaking Sheila as a feline. This probably means that your neighbor Aby Eyeshine will be called in for education. Also, knowing this aura of romance that surrounds your family, I wouldn't be surprised if Aby's brother, Coach Pardus, falls for your aunt...

I agree with you: this is one time that Kell should leave it up to the authorities. The problem is, the mobsters may not give her the chance.

What should/would Kell do on this side of the portal? What she should do is contact the authorities and stay out of sight herself. However, I don't know how that kind of behavior from an important person at Herd Thinners would be interpreted. It might be seen as cowardice. Another option: Sheila could go to the police, tell them everything and go into what we call here the Witness Protection Program. I don't think that will work: your aunt has spent most of her life travelling and she'd probably resist being tied down to one location for very long. Another option: fake Sheila's death in some way. This would require that she spend the rest of her life as not merely someone else, but probably even as another species....

Wait a minute! I just said that, as a feline, Coach Pardus might fall for her. Could this end up as another example of what some people over here call the Dewclaw Assimilation? Everybody ends up related to your family in one way or another: this would bring in both Coach Pardus and Aby Eyeshine! My brain hurts...

#5 CharlieG on 2009-02-08 04:42 (Reply)

The mobster wouldn't be with the Castrato family, as that ring was smashed by the authorities. (With help from Dad!) It's true the Mr. Castrato was never found, but it's safe to say that this is another crime syndicate.

It's true at Cousin Sheila is particularly ill-suited for the witness protection program. Kell knows this as well, which is why she's liable to take matters into her own paws.

#6 Lindesfarne Dewclaw on 2009-02-08 10:16 (Reply)

The Witness Protection Program is also what comes to mind with me. Some individuals are less confident in the authorities, so they might hide out with family in another part of the country.

As for guns, not sure what average Domain residents would think about our attitudes in the U.S. about them. Some are afraid of them. Others, especially people in the country and small towns, feel they're what makes the difference between a populace of citizens and a populace of subjects. A few seem to consider them an extension of strength and virility. The idea that guns make one look weak would seem laughable to them.

There is "gun control" movement over here, but after the Oklahoma City bombing, in which the bomb was made out of fertilizer, the movement lost strength.

#7 Bixyl Shuftan (Link) on 2009-02-08 11:09 (Reply)

(Tongue planted firmly in cheek) Lindesfarne, look up the word 'castrato'. Some of us over here do know what the word means. We also know that it applies naturally to 'the Mr. Castrato.'

(Serious) Although it is probably another syndicate, just remember that crime families can recreate themselves. And your aunt Sheila appears quite attractive as canine or feline. (Obviously, this applies to Kell as well, but she's very happily married.) I can easily see people of either species or either gender being interested in her merely for her looks.

#8 CharlieG on 2009-02-08 11:41 (Reply)

Well, over here it would be the Witness Protection Program. She would probably want a gun as well, but testifying against the mobster and going into WPP would be the human way. Sorry to be so unhelpful.
BTW, didn't you initially try to go after that moth that Fenton had a crush on when you switched from porcupine to hedgehog? If I recall correctly, you started talking to her and canceled the "hit". But when Kevin asked if you would have any problems eating bugs, you replied "no problem" and it was one of the few, if not the only, times the artist showed icicles hanging from your word balloon. Doesn't that kind of stretch the laws of your society (glad you did not go through with it of course)?

#9 Thomas Mazanec (Link) on 2009-02-08 11:52 (Reply)

To Thomas: At that time, of course, I didn't know Tammy. Now, I'm glad I do.

To CharlieG: Yes, everyone here knows what a "castrato" is.

Are you saying he went into the singing profession?

#10 Lindesfarne Dewclaw on 2009-02-08 13:05 (Reply)

I was playing word games, Lindesfarne. Somehow, the artist on this side of the portal has information that is not generally known on your side. I attribute it to the oddities of his connection to your world: I sometimes believe that he's an opposite direction transplant. That is, he was born in the world you're in now.

For those who didn't bother to look it up (or who, like me, already knew what a castrato was), it is a male whose testicles are either removed or damaged in such a way that puberty does not occur. The condition can also occur naturally. This left them with unusual voices which were highly prized in the performance of Opera. I say 'were' prized because the invasive procedures would not be performed by any reputable physician today. It would occur only as a result of disease, most likely testicular cancer.

There is a natural way persons do not have testicles. It does not require any kind of invasive procedure. It is shared by (probably) just more than half the people in your world. People who have this natural condition include you yourself, Kell, Sheila, Aby, even Coney. The natural way of not having testicles is to be born female.

(If you feel that this exceeds your personal limits as to 'too much information,' I will certainly have no objections if you either edit this post or not allow it to be seen at all. The subject is distasteful, to say the least, but I tried to phrase it as technically as I could, without resorting to... less acceptable language.)

#10.1 CharlieG on 2009-02-08 14:49 (Reply)

Hummm...ponderous. Getting back to the old subject of your world's artist knowledge; transplanted between worlds, gained the knowledge by living it, a strange time displacement between our realms that equates like chewing gum. It makes for a very interesting theory. Crossed over and displaced in time from our future to your past. Our lives are bound like taffy. Stretched and bent while remaining a single entity, bound by a connection.

I'll have to think on it. My mind is so tired, right now. Didn't get very much sleep after catching the YouTube "bug". One video to the next to the next and so forth and the sun was up before I caught shut eye. Then, work, all too soon.

All so very tired. I can't see the stars. The rain clouds are too dense, this morning. All so very tired.

#10.1.1 jup-reindeer on 2009-02-09 06:35 (Reply)

Your message was fine, CharlieG.

Thanks!

#11 Lindesfarne Dewclaw on 2009-02-08 16:54 (Reply)

Kell's occupation in the human world? Hmmm ...

If she immigrated over, I'm afraid she would have to go into web-site design, based on her experience as Herd-Thinners' former webmaven. Otherwise, the only job she would be suited for would be professional murderer.

Her human counterpart, though, is another question. From the corporate culture of herdthinners, I'd say that the nearest analogue for that company would be sales. So the human Kell would probably be a salesperson. Seems odd, doesn't it?

#12 Bookkeeper-At-Arms on 2009-02-09 01:36 (Reply)

If I may, I believe that Kell has more options than that! She has also been in more executive positions, such as when she was hiring staff for Herdthinners and when she was the business manager for Ms. Eyeshine. So, if she could not be a professional predator, at least not in the literal sense, she could be a "headhunter", or part of the management staff at any of a number of companies.

#12.1 Patch O'Black on 2009-02-09 15:24 (Reply)

Hello Lindesfarne,

Like a number of people in any world I guess your Aunt Sheila got in over her head. If you want to solve the financial aspect of this the Mob needs to give a break down of exactly what Sheila owes them. Once that is done then Kell will know what to charge them for the broken window for which they will have to either pay or give your Aunt's debt to Kell as payment in kind. Since the mob has received back around 350% already they might want to talk to their bookies to find out their odds of survival if this becomes a really "bad" debt.
"What should Kell do if she lived in the human world? " Besides trying to get home, I second the "headhunter" route but there is also (I am assuming that her tracking skills are more than her noise) skip tracer or search and rescue.

jup-reindeer; Please make sure you get a good night sleep! While I don't know how much sleep reindeer can go with out I do know that it can be very bad to not get engough.

Spring is getting closer.

#13 Rbmmouse on 2009-02-10 00:44 (Reply)

Been getting a little too addicted to that YouTube footage, as of late. It has a way of equalling the television in keeping one occupied throughout the day. I'm trying to limit that time...with varying success.

Thank you for your concern. But, I've done worse when the insomnia bouts kicked in a couple years back. Nearly a hundred hours without sleep, several times over. That...was very bizarre.

To (attempt to) quote Apu of The Simpsons, "By the seventh day, I believed that I was a humming bird of some sort."

#13.1 jup-reindeer on 2009-02-12 04:06 (Reply)

Are you asking what Kell should do about resembling the target of a mob hit, were she human, or what Kell would choose for a career path here, were she human?
For the first, what she is doing now, even with her skills is dangerous. No matter how good you are, there might be someone out there better. She seems to be handling the baddies, but I do not see how beating up toughs will get her any closer to the person who put out the hit, or how finding him or her will help Kell.
About Kell the Human's possible careers, do not forget she is bilingual. She might serve as a diplomat, a translator, maybe even a cross-platform specialist (since she is a better-than-average coder). There are even entertainment venues for people who have unusual skillsets - would Kell like performing as a fighter, the way Kevin did? Kell has not only a double handful of areas she is skilled at, but the open-mindedness and willingness to learn that indicates she could be any number of professions, if she wanted to. I have a lot of respect for her, above and beyond her predation.

#14 Stephanie on 2009-02-10 15:30 (Reply)

How will beating up hit-men solve the problem, you ask?

Loan sharks are businessmen. Once the expenses (the cost of hiring hitmen, not to mention the damage to their business image) gets bad enough, they will seek to cut their losses. If they're lousy businessmen, they'll have her shot and eat the loss. If they're good businessmen, they'll enter negotiations and try to find a satisfactory middle ground.

#14.1 Bookkeeper-At-Arms on 2009-02-10 22:16 (Reply)

i'm sure your mother has her reason and her reasoners though i must admit that i find it odd that while you think of her as your mother you refer to her by name here.

#15 e_voyager on 2009-02-11 00:04 (Reply)

I don't find it that unusual that Lindesfarne refers to Kell interchangably as either 'Mom' or 'Kell'. If Kell were Lindesfarne's biologic mother it would be unusual, true. But Kell is married to Lindesfarne's adoptive father, and marriage occurred when Lindesfarne was a teenager. With such a convoluted situation, a little overlap in referring to Kell is to be expected. The important thing here is that Lindesfarne thinks of (and treats) Kell as her mother... and Kell thinks of Lindesfarne as her daughter. That's what important.

If you want true complexity, try to determine Rudy's familial relationship to Fiona. Keep the aspirin handy, though.

#15.1 CharlieG on 2009-02-11 10:40 (Reply)

She's his cousin by marriage/girlfriend and/or likely mate but let's be honest the strip probably won't run that long.

#15.1.1 Elwood Blutarsky on 2009-02-13 00:13 (Reply)

Actually...

Rudy's uncle is married to Fiona's biological mother, making them first cousins by marriage. Fiona's biologic father is married to Kevin's 'sister' Danielle, making them first cousins again. Double first cousins... And just imagine what problems that would cause if they ever do decide to marry.

I actually have relatives who are both my first and second cousins simultaneously. My father's brother married my mother's first cousin.

#15.1.1.1 CharlieG on 2009-02-13 19:57 (Reply)

we'll it's run this long and i've seen hints in of 2066 in an cross over

#15.1.1.2 e_voyager on 2009-02-13 20:20 (Reply)

Oh, I don't know. It's been running for almost 14 years already.

#15.1.1.3 Tabbykitty on 2009-02-13 20:29 (Reply)

Lindesfarne: I found one comment you made absolutely fascinating: predation must be anonymous, or else it's a crime.

Since we only have one (universally recognized) sapient species on the planet, and we can eat both plants and beasts, all killing of humans by individuals is at the least manslaughter, at worst "murder in the first degree." (There is one exception I won't mention, for fear of a flamewar.)

Killing by institutions (such as by police in the name of public safety, executioners, or nations at war) is legal, if unpopular.

Obviously, in your world, omnivores such as bears and canids are not prevented from participating in predation despite being able to consist exclusively on plant matter. In our world, vegan (zero animal product) diets have been discovered for dogs, and even for "pure" carnivores such as cats. Is predation, and the resulting heartbreak for the families of the food, so socially acceptable that science cannot break the majority from this tradition?

#16 BlueNight (Link) on 2009-02-28 21:47 (Reply)

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